We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
