i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
