You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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