just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
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