I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
