i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Randomize
