the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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