So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
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