is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
