Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
