im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
