I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
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