I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
