she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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