I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
