i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
