just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
that's an acceptable place to lick
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
