new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Randomize
