I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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