HIV tests are more positive than that guy
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
