I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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