Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
No more Irish car bombs ever.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
