You smell like a Billy Joel song
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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