Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
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