the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I pour the whiskey from now on
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
