toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
