He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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