She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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