I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
