I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
