i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
this boner is exhausting
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
