so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
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