After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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