So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
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