Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
