my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
third nipple confirmed
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
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