she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Randomize
