VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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