This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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