Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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