Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
