all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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