I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
