Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
