If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
