I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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