I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
