I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
