That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
