The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
