i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
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