god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
