I showed him my bush... on skype.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
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I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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