my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
we're making bets on your personal life
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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