i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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