He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
