Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
