I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
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