I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Farmville is her only friend.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
